And so I find myself frustrated and very keen, very soon. So why the burning enthusiasm? Is it cos it feels like it could be something special or is it because its something I shouldn’t have? not yet anyway.

People would think I was daft if I told them how often I think about him already, they’d warn me to be careful, but what if it’s just the timing hasn’t been altogether perfect and could be very good, but in time….would I be wrong to end it before I found out? Am I just being impatient? Its not easy to walk away I know…..I really do

Things important in common, that I am aware of so far are that we both like to have good times and party and we both seem down to earth and to have a good sense of humour.

So I see them clearly, and what I blur out is that I barely know him at all… am I just so desperate for love? I know I have so much to give now that I just want to do that… give my all and be in love

I thought time was an issue for me, like I didn’t have enough of it, and now because I can’t see or talk to him exactly when I want to it feels like I have all the time in the world to do so.

Its tough for me, I don’t know how the life is that he is currently leading…

Its tough for him too, he knows the life im leading and its party good times….

Very frustrating .. And I realise how impatient I am cos I find it a struggle….. Its silly we have so much yet to learn we may not even like each other, we haven’t been out with each others closest.. What if it proves to be awful? we may not even like each other at all when we actually get to know each other properly….

I have said I would take a step back and yet since then, ive wanted to make contact so much more…

He has laid off the contact and it frustrates me so……

When I hear from him, everything’s ok again and once again, for some unknown reason, I feel wanted, even secure… but I want to stop thinking about him so much, as it would be much easier

And I know it must be very hard for him too… and so I wait, to see what happens …. Ever hopeful!!

For I am worthy of a loving spiritual relationship. Time will tell if we are truly spiritually connected, so I need to stop my head running away with the excitement of the possibility…..

We got comfy whilst others began to arrive. It was a small group just about 8 of us and the night started with other ‘meditators’ sharing stories of what meditation has done for them. It all sounded great and I couldn’t wait to crack on.
We were given a chant, ‘ohm bia biang hong’ I think it was, this was to fill ourselves with beauty, so we wouldn’t worry about the outside, the outside would become brighter anyhow…( Wow I was thinking I wont need to wear make up anymore…wooohhoooo!!!!.. Needless to say it wasn’t a miracle and I still paste it on daily!) But it was pretty enjoyable. I tried hard to concentrate on the words throughout as we had to go over them again and again in our heads. All the time listening to the teacher telling us to visualise raindrops falling onto our faces making them more beautiful etc etc. To make matters worse, (not that they were bad, but I have never had a good visualisation ability) I sat upright like a perfectly postured yoga pro and my back felt it….in the end it was all I could think about!!!
To my relief I wasn’t alone, my friend said his back was the same. The instructor said this was our bodies defending against being so relaxed and open to further dimensions. We spoke briefly after about the 11th dimension, wow! and as odd as that felt, I think I will definately go back. Curiosity as much as anything… I wanna see what can happen and I wanna reep the benefits!… I will keep you posted on my journey.

People of power being corrupt and bent, ok, Im not denying it may go on… I never have and never will, but my partner in the process of trying to hammer his opinions onto me has in the process totally hurt my feelings.

Im sensitive and emotional and its taken me years to just begin to work out exactly who I am, what I truly believe in, and what I want out of life… Im still way off knowing exactly what and how to achieve this but in the past 2 years I have found some inner peace and I recently got very upset with him as I felt that he was trying to burst that bubble and dig at my way of life and my ‘peaceful, hippy’ beliefs…

Im not saying my way is the right way but its working for me, for now…

Im doing my very best to get where I want to be, in the place I feel most important, deep within, and Im getting through my life happily enough this way. I took in his opinions the first time he went on about them and the fact that he is still going on about them and in the process, is managing to diss my way and could even be influencing my journey to take a negative path, worries me.

He makes me feel like he thinks he is more passionate about his views than I am about mine and about people in the world and justice for all. He comes across as patronising.. like he used to be in a dream world like me, then he became educated about the real world.
Maybe this is true, maybe one day ill be equally as synical and equally as angry. I certainly don’t feel like I want or can handle that right now, Im managing fine my way!

Im still despreately trying to focus on my own inner happiness and that of those around me, in fact the happiness of anyone that I CAN make a difference to, his concerns are about scandal that we can do nothing or very very little about.
My aim is to make a positive difference and I cannot let myself dwell on the negative, especially if theres no change likely to ever take place. maybe throughout history things will get more spoken about, scandals revealed, but I cannot drive myself crazy with the injustices of world power. I am no-one in the large scale… I am however, someone in the small scale who does try to make a difference.

Maybe I hide from that which I feel I can do nothing about… if I don’t I’ll go crazy !?

So I question, can this work….?????

I have just finished reading my book, light up your life and its been just one of many enlightening books I’ve read of late.

Among the main messages I took from it was to have a positive outlook, thus bringing positive things your way. It states that if I truly visualise something, it will happen. It warns to only visualise and wish for what you really think you truly want, because it will happen… Wow again, what an exciting prospect.

What I have to work on then, is my ability to visualise.

I close my eyes and say the words in my head, but I don’t get any visuals! I have tried exercises like this before to discover my learning skill, and I am never able to visualise.. So I will work on this and then I will work on visualising my dreams. I know what they are, and they are achievable, so wish me luck on my continuous journey!

Maybe in doing this I pass on those negative thoughts to someone else and though this helps me at the time, it probably doesn’t help those I pass it onto..

Can friendships withstand this strain?

Surely…..

But what about if the person you have unloaded this on, is the person who you feel negative about?

Scientifically, if they too are giong through a negative, this should make a positive!

Maybe they have had negative thoughts too already?

Either way, life will be fine i’ve no doubt, and I will learn whether or not I should keep my feelings in for longer.

Time will tell….. all will be well x

Sure, it was deep and special and enjoyable that remains undoubted, but I do want something more… I do not want marraige not yet anyway, a friend asked me just the other day if I thought I would ever remarry, I do, if I am lucky enough to find true love I would indeed like to celebrate this in some way, show the world that I have found true love and happiness. Don’t get me wrong I don’t ‘need’ this. I am happy and I continue to grow happier within myself. I think a small amount of time on my own will encourage that. But sure, if I find true love with someone who wanted to marry me I would certainly remarry.

I have no regrets. It was hard to let go of something that felt so good, here was someone who I had always got on famously with, someone who I had no fears of, someone who understood me and who I could pretty much be my total self with. Yet deep down I felt I deserved more… more than someone who I felt had gone off of me in some way, someone who got frightened and who had set himself boundaries and who clearly wanted the best of both worlds. I think he wanted a regular stop over with the added bonuses, but he wanted to remain free to divulge in sexual relationships elsewhere….maybe I felt the same. It was more than ok for a while, but eventually it had to stop and right now we’re at the cooling period.

It is right for me that it has come to an end as it were…. I do feel like it was a pleasant enough ending, though I feel a bit sad that at the moment I feel I have lost a little respect for him and at this point in time I do not think as much of him as I did before all this started, I have been going over it a lot lately and I have been thinking that maybe when he was chasing after me and I was telling him not to because of the risk to our very close friendship, he should have pointed out that he just wanted a bed buddy and did not want love, commitment or exclusitivity, or indeed a girlfriend of any kind, maybe he should have said that he would have sex with others given the chance, but he didn’t, not until the day after I had fallen for it all. I have been feeling angry about this because now im feeling like the closeness we had, has had a negative affect on our friendship, In time I’m sure it will return to its former glory but for now I feel let down and that we could have handled it better from the start. Ive been blaming him in my mind, for telling me the morning after.. Though I had carried on regardless. Truth is, I did feel very hurt that morning. I didn’t like the rejection, no one had ever said that the day after the night before! I appreciated his honesty but had not been expecting that as soon as it had started!!… maybe I would not have done anything sexual had I of known and we would still have a fabulous friendship..????

That aside, I feel strong enough to be alone and I feel strong enough to gradually overcome any negative feelings and appreciate the depth and importance of our loving friendship . We have seen each other once since, but it was pretty weird … I wasn’t sure why I felt down about it, we didnt talk about ‘us’, it was as though it had never happened.. at least on the surface, I think this was what kick started my negative thinking about the whole situation, our sexual goings ons had certainly ceased as had the closeness and that was hard to take.. We remained plutonic and it was fine but it certainly has not returned to how it once was, a truly loving and very trusting friendship. Hopefully time will heal and all will be great again…

At least now I no longer feel scared that I will be left on the shelf, there are plenty of people out there who will be interested in me and I look forward to the time when I meet someone new and have fun and excitement with them. I am in no desperate rush, it will happen when its meant to, in the meantime I am really enjoying my life and I am more than happy to wait until I find someone truly loving and caring and who I fancy the pants off!!!!

New journeys……………, ooh how exciting!!!

I am experiencing the strengthening of a very trusting relationship, between myself and someone whom I have loved for years on a deep level, but not on a sexual level, until of late…

We have both felt deep hurt from previous relationships and life experiences and have both comforted, supported, trusted and valued each other through some of this. Except, it’s beginning to scare me, I do not know where its going now, is it going out of control? Is it going nowhere?

We had an understanding initially, that we were free and in a non committed relationship, this understanding became fact on occasion. But rather than, as I had expected, this become the end of the relationship as it were, the relationship actually strengthened. I understand totally why this guy felt the need to prove that unconventional and non committed was most definately how this relationship stood..

On a number of occasions I had rejected him initially.. making it clear that I didn’t want to risk the friendship, then I had dived in head first and wanted more than he could give, frightened him off with my ‘neediness’ and his ‘fear of being trapped in a committed relationship’.

Again, we worked through this and the relationship appeared to deepen. I soon came to realise that I needed to become stronger in myself, to know myself inside a little better, bring back the ‘real’ me after so many years in a draining relationship. Where I had conformed to being a supportive wife, who was only in the marraige for the love of my child and not for myself, thus becoming a shadow of my former self, something which had for me ,become an habitual part of any serious relationship I’d encountered.

Now was my chance to suit myself… see exactly what I wanted out of life, and yeah, life for me on the whole is great nowadays, I have a tough but rewarding job, the best daughter I could ever wish for, some fantastic friends who support and understand me in everything I do.

I have still been seeing my dear friend and when he is here, I get more than enough from it, I don’t need or want no hand in marraige, what we experience when we’re in each others company is magical, I really haven’t felt that way before, or been to a place so far away from what material stuff there is on the outside… It’s like I am deep within, deep within me and deep within him. It’s beautiful and I know he feels it too.

Each time we meet we seem to reach a deeper place, last time he came he was only coming for a night, he stayed for 3 days and it was great.

It was just so beautiful…

So here’s where I probably start to screw it all up…..

When he is with me it could not be more perfect, yet when he is not with me and is far away, sometimes, it’s just not quite enough for me. I feel because of what happened between the 2 of us before, that when I get in touch, Im being a pain, being too ‘needy’, yet I do like to keep in touch, I want to know how he is, I want to tell him how I am. Also he has been adamant all along that he doesnt really want a ‘girlfriend’, a committed relationship. He wants, and has carried on with others in order to prove this..Sometimes I feel fine about this, that’s cool, I can handle it, I can do the same thing… Other times I feel like an idiot, give him the best of both worlds, what a perfect arrangment for him, I must be a complete mug. Am I desparate enough to want to share someone ? Let him sleep with someone else one week and me the next, does this mean I have no self respect? Yet, he does say at times that he does want more, he wants to be a family man, but I’m not certain he means from me, maybe they’re the words of a ‘player’ ?  maybe we’re not right for each other, and that is what is stopping us from committing …I mean, we have been mates for years and the thought of being ‘together has never crossed either of our minds, we have very different lifestyles, yet right now, I think we’re both in the middle, he’s not quite as ‘pure and godly’ as he’d like to be and I’m not as ‘rock n roll’ as people think I am either.. but maybe thats where our paths are leading us, which inevitably, results in our paths becoming further apart from each others…. other interests are perfectly acceptable, in fact these days, I think they’re probably necessary, at least I’m hoping I won’t let myself become a shadow again by allowing myself to mould into the perfect partner but in becoming this, not being true to myself. Maybe these differences in our lifestyles is part of what is stopping us from deciding that we do want this to be true love.. because it has got the potential to be. But as I say the problem is sometimes I do feel I want more, I want to be able to call him up or text and tell him if I’ve had a terrible day for example, or more importantly not feel like a nuisance if I do make contact. So then, what happens when someone else shows an interest in me, someone who is keen to make me feel wanted?…. Unlike him, I don’t think I’m the type to be able to keep 2 going. He didn’t mind in the least, in fact he seemed pleased, when I told him I had kissed another guy.. what does that tell you? N where does this leave him and I?  What about the man I meet? It would take some man to accept that he is now just my best man mate again…and I will never want to stop being his friend. I guess I have taken that risk already, but if he can truly never see me and him becoming anything more, maybe it should end soon, so I don’t have to feel that, should I find someone who wants to give me more, I have to be sneaky from the start. It’s just not my style..I feel a little confused about it at the moment.

Sometimes I find myself in a position where I am forcing myself to not fall in love, so to speak…why? because he does not want a girlfriend, he wants to ’spread the love’ and I will not allow myself to imagine that anything without commitment can possibly be ‘love’. Equally I do not want to make him feel he has to either commit to me or lose me, I do not want to force anyone into anything.. So my feelings remain unspoken and my questions remain unanswered.

People ask, Do you have a boyfriend? Well no, I have a dear friend who wants sex with me and other people… how long can this go on and be enjoyable?

It’s real hard to give up something that feels so good…

Why does it feel so good? Is it just that we trust each other so much and have deep love on a friendship level, there already?

What does it mean that I miss him and it hurts when he goes home ? because its like im returning to having nothing with him ? Or just nothing with anyone ? Why is it that I think about him everyday and look forward so much to seeing him next ? Does he feel the same?

According to a book Im almost finished, this what we both ‘feel’ is not love, love is not a feeling, it’s a decision to be committed to the evolution of yours or/and anothers spiritual growth!

Okay so thats the opposite to what he wants really isn’t it… he doesn’t want commitment, therefore he doesn’t want this to be ‘love’. What we do have is more than just sex, but it isn’t love and ideally love is what im searching for….well I think everyone deserves to experience it at some point in their life..

I don’t need it immediately, these ‘goings ons’ have certainly taken the edge the off of the urgency to feel loved. But ultimately, I want to know what love is one day. I want to grow with someone, together internally. I want understanding, trust, commitment, friendship, and equally as important, I want to feel comfortable and at ease ….and I want it all to be recipricated!

I’ve been able to cope with the ups and downs of this relationship so far and I will not let the doubts I’m having today keep me down for long, I’m not sure why I have started to look on it more negatively, maybe its my good old coping mechanism called denial! Maybe it just simply isn’t right. When he told me he didn’t want to settle with one person, be commited, I told him if you met the right person you would… surely thats what everyone wants… true love???!!!

I don’t know where this particular road is leading me but I am placing trust in the fact that I believe I am being looked after and guided in the right direction.. I feel in the last year, that I am finally getting the break I deserve, I am finding more peace within me that I ever knew could of existed. This is giving me strength to get through whatever life throws at me, and if this relationship is not mean’t to be that’s fine I will move on and continue my journey of life and maybe I will find true love, I have a lot to give and feel I deserve someone good this time round, someone who truly loves me and is thoughtful and kind, someone who don’t want to mess with my mind.

I have no regrets, I have learn’t a lot and I still have so much to learn…

The start of my journey of self help and discovery

So heres where my journey begins…. It’s a Monday and I’m off work …I’ve been doing some reading, I’ve been doing a lot of that lately actually…..I’ve been trying to help myself, well lets face it, I’ve been a bit mixed up in the head since for as long as I can remember, and though I’ve thought about it a lot and dealt with it the best way I can, with a little help from these books, and I guess, feeling very mentally stable right now, I have decided to write my feelings as they happen, when it comes… to help myself get my head competely around my life (well as much as it needs to be anyway) The first self help book I ever read was Allen Carrs, easyway to stop smoking..I couldn’t believe that reading a book altered my mind and helped me to stop smoking …

Turning my life around… the beginning of a new me Since that first book so much has happened in my life to turn it around for the better, I cannot give wonderful Allen Carr the credit for anything more than the smoking, though my life started to turn around at this time! As well as this I finally, with the offer of work, had enough courage to leave an unhappy marriage. I had a child with this man… who isn’t all bad at all, but we absolutely brought the worst out in each other, different spirits, non compatible in every way.. We have different beliefs and morals in life and thats fine, im not saying my way is the right way, my way is just very different from his….

Love is complimenting each others personalities, for nothing to be an effort, unconditional understanding. Love is equal and it doesn’t look for faults or blame

Is it achievable? I think so, though rarely, I do  see it out and about, and it looks pretty amazing and unbelievable to me… I don’t think I have ever experienced true love between two people, I can’t have, but I have a good solid life and I am surrounded by love, and I truly believe that if you have love you have everything,

Therefore, I have everything… 

I am just gonna post a bit about me and my feelings, whenever I feel the urge, whatever you think about it thats fine im just getting it out there …. better out than in!

Ive been writing these thought books for about the past year and they’ve helped me get through a mountain of changes in my life…

I am trying to be as positive a person as I can and if life is what you make it, then I intend to make mine enjoyable.. I have beautiful people around me and I am a lucky girl!  

Now its time  to put the pen down and get my stuff out there for the world to feel free to comment on and hopefully share some similar experiences…

I enjoy writing and being open and honest and I enjoy peoples opinions…

so feel free…..