Ok so some time has elapsed since my last blog and some things have certainly changed. My dear friend with whom I had become closer to both spiritually and sexually, is of course, still my dear friend but the sexual side has ceased! It had to really, I felt that I was beginning to lose respect for both him and I …
Sure, it was deep and special and enjoyable that remains undoubted, but I do want something more… I do not want marraige not yet anyway, a friend asked me just the other day if I thought I would ever remarry, I do, if I am lucky enough to find true love I would indeed like to celebrate this in some way, show the world that I have found true love and happiness. Don’t get me wrong I don’t ‘need’ this. I am happy and I continue to grow happier within myself. I think a small amount of time on my own will encourage that. But sure, if I find true love with someone who wanted to marry me I would certainly remarry.
I have no regrets. It was hard to let go of something that felt so good, here was someone who I had always got on famously with, someone who I had no fears of, someone who understood me and who I could pretty much be my total self with. Yet deep down I felt I deserved more… more than someone who I felt had gone off of me in some way, someone who got frightened and who had set himself boundaries and who clearly wanted the best of both worlds. I think he wanted a regular stop over with the added bonuses, but he wanted to remain free to divulge in sexual relationships elsewhere….maybe I felt the same. It was more than ok for a while, but eventually it had to stop and right now we’re at the cooling period.
It is right for me that it has come to an end as it were…. I do feel like it was a pleasant enough ending, though I feel a bit sad that at the moment I feel I have lost a little respect for him and at this point in time I do not think as much of him as I did before all this started, I have been going over it a lot lately and I have been thinking that maybe when he was chasing after me and I was telling him not to because of the risk to our very close friendship, he should have pointed out that he just wanted a bed buddy and did not want love, commitment or exclusitivity, or indeed a girlfriend of any kind, maybe he should have said that he would have sex with others given the chance, but he didn’t, not until the day after I had fallen for it all. I have been feeling angry about this because now im feeling like the closeness we had, has had a negative affect on our friendship, In time I’m sure it will return to its former glory but for now I feel let down and that we could have handled it better from the start. Ive been blaming him in my mind, for telling me the morning after.. Though I had carried on regardless. Truth is, I did feel very hurt that morning. I didn’t like the rejection, no one had ever said that the day after the night before! I appreciated his honesty but had not been expecting that as soon as it had started!!… maybe I would not have done anything sexual had I of known and we would still have a fabulous friendship..????
That aside, I feel strong enough to be alone and I feel strong enough to gradually overcome any negative feelings and appreciate the depth and importance of our loving friendship . We have seen each other once since, but it was pretty weird … I wasn’t sure why I felt down about it, we didnt talk about ‘us’, it was as though it had never happened.. at least on the surface, I think this was what kick started my negative thinking about the whole situation, our sexual goings ons had certainly ceased as had the closeness and that was hard to take.. We remained plutonic and it was fine but it certainly has not returned to how it once was, a truly loving and very trusting friendship. Hopefully time will heal and all will be great again…
At least now I no longer feel scared that I will be left on the shelf, there are plenty of people out there who will be interested in me and I look forward to the time when I meet someone new and have fun and excitement with them. I am in no desperate rush, it will happen when its meant to, in the meantime I am really enjoying my life and I am more than happy to wait until I find someone truly loving and caring and who I fancy the pants off!!!!
New journeys……………, ooh how exciting!!!
