Venturing into meditation….what next? February 2, 2009

So I have finally taken up something which I have contemplated for years now, Meditation. Some friends of mine and I went along to this group, it was in the teachers house. We arrived to see a scatter of cushions placed readily around the ambient lounge.

We got comfy whilst others began to arrive. It was a small group just about 8 of us and the night started with other ‘meditators’ sharing stories of what meditation has done for them. It all sounded great and I couldn’t wait to crack on.
We were given a chant, ‘ohm bia biang hong’ I think it was, this was to fill ourselves with beauty, so we wouldn’t worry about the outside, the outside would become brighter anyhow…( Wow I was thinking I wont need to wear make up anymore…wooohhoooo!!!!.. Needless to say it wasn’t a miracle and I still paste it on daily!) But it was pretty enjoyable. I tried hard to concentrate on the words throughout as we had to go over them again and again in our heads. All the time listening to the teacher telling us to visualise raindrops falling onto our faces making them more beautiful etc etc. To make matters worse, (not that they were bad, but I have never had a good visualisation ability) I sat upright like a perfectly postured yoga pro and my back felt it….in the end it was all I could think about!!!
To my relief I wasn’t alone, my friend said his back was the same. The instructor said this was our bodies defending against being so relaxed and open to further dimensions. We spoke briefly after about the 11th dimension, wow! and as odd as that felt, I think I will definately go back. Curiosity as much as anything… I wanna see what can happen and I wanna reep the benefits!… I will keep you posted on my journey.

The journey goes on…. February 2, 2009

Some time has passed since I last wrote about my feelings and relationships, and im pleased to say things are still cool. My newish fella and I are still going strong. In fact, we have probably become even closer. We have shared some significant life changing moments we have experienced, good and bad, and I think we have both been supportive and understanding of each other. We have expressed our feelings and are still learning so much, about each other, about our past, about the effect our past has had on us and I still feel he is a fantastic person to be with.

I still feel challenged at times and I still think into things too much sometimes, but I feel these challenges are valuable and is what it must take to become a truly loving, accepting, and worthy partnership.

A different view or a different pathway??, December 9, 2008

Relationships…ah man!!!! I just don’t know whether this one is right? Is any person ever gonna be right for me? Do I just need to give us time to work each other out?? Is this person, who at times I have felt truly in love with, right for me? Im still trying to work myself out and I’m struggling taking on someone else’s extreme viewpoints, when to me, they seem negative and will always remain unresolved.

People of power being corrupt and bent, ok, Im not denying it may go on… I never have and never will, but my partner in the process of trying to hammer his opinions onto me has in the process totally hurt my feelings.

Im sensitive and emotional and its taken me years to just begin to work out exactly who I am, what I truly believe in, and what I want out of life… Im still way off knowing exactly what and how to achieve this but in the past 2 years I have found some inner peace and I recently got very upset with him as I felt that he was trying to burst that bubble and dig at my way of life and my ‘peaceful, hippy’ beliefs…

Im not saying my way is the right way but its working for me, for now…

Im doing my very best to get where I want to be, in the place I feel most important, deep within, and Im getting through my life happily enough this way. I took in his opinions the first time he went on about them and the fact that he is still going on about them and in the process, is managing to diss my way and could even be influencing my journey to take a negative path, worries me.

He makes me feel like he thinks he is more passionate about his views than I am about mine and about people in the world and justice for all. He comes across as patronising.. like he used to be in a dream world like me, then he became educated about the real world.
Maybe this is true, maybe one day ill be equally as synical and equally as angry. I certainly don’t feel like I want or can handle that right now, Im managing fine my way!

Im still despreately trying to focus on my own inner happiness and that of those around me, in fact the happiness of anyone that I CAN make a difference to, his concerns are about scandal that we can do nothing or very very little about.
My aim is to make a positive difference and I cannot let myself dwell on the negative, especially if theres no change likely to ever take place. maybe throughout history things will get more spoken about, scandals revealed, but I cannot drive myself crazy with the injustices of world power. I am no-one in the large scale… I am however, someone in the small scale who does try to make a difference.

Maybe I hide from that which I feel I can do nothing about… if I don’t I’ll go crazy !?

So I question, can this work….?????

Our first disagreement…!!! November 19, 2008

So I have just had my first ‘to do’ with my beautiful boyfriend… yep, I still think hes beautiful both in and out (good sign!) Why the ‘to do’? because he hadn’t done something he could easily have, to help himself, seems he was just about to (oops!).. and maybe deep down, I had been offended by him a couple of days before when he got angry at an occurance I could do nothing about, I did understand his predicament but not his attitude towards me, but I guess it was fear and embarassment..

So I started wondering… why did I do that, why have cracks suddenly appeared?

Well a number of reasons, first his attitude towards himself rubbed off, he is always saying what a ‘nightmare’ he is like ‘that’.. and asks if I have had enough of him yet – Of course I understand his insecurities with regards to this, he has a rotten history with the one person he felt he truly loved and with whom he thought things would last ‘forever’.
Secondly, I had a seed set that he wasn’t bothering to do what he could, easy chores that were necessary to benefit us both and that as he had not done these, he didn’t care about benefiting me,and that he was happy to take advantage of me.. my reasons for this are probably due to my past relationships also, anyone I have truly cared about has taken advantage one way or another and I have been hurt and the times when I haven’t been hurt, I have hurt. Of course, not intentionally but I have hurt before if I haven’t felt things were ‘right’ enough.

So then I start to question why my past relationships have always been doomed for disaster, because what I want most is someone who I love, why have I not been attracted to those with whom I can fall in love, ‘WE’ can fall in love, equal love !

If I dig deep, I can clearly see a time in my life where I would have had a seed planted that shows the true heartache of being in true love. If you’re really in love you will be together forever, right? So what about when forever is not long enough, as with my parents. They had been through some real tough times, but came out fighting and were still truly in love with each other, they recognised each others faults and worked through the tough times that had layed ahead of them and then my Dad went out one night and died of a heart attack, my mums life was ruined it seemed ! I had never seen such sadness and despair.. this is what loving someone can do to you???

Then better to not love at all, I guess was the planted seed…

Of course I dont think that now, now I have had precious time to myself, I know thats what I really want in life… happiness for me and those around me and to find true love, real true love, the kind that lasts forever !

As for my fella, he has issues of his own, like me as I mentioned and he has doesn’t see what a beautiful special person he is. I think he needs to concentrate on his own wellbeing and develop his own self love rather than worry and stress about things he can do nothing about. He needs to think more positively if he can, as he said he knew from the start he was hard work and that he feared he would bring me down, its a pretty negative way of thinking. I want to bring him up as I said to him, to my floaty, head in the clouds, idealistic world, and maybe if he brings me down a step or 2 we will find the happy medium and be somewhere thats about right..!

Though I felt rubbish today and last night about this I feel I am learning much more about both him and I, and I hope this makes us stronger and closer …He’s finally seen Im not perfect, cool ! , much more of an even balance. I think up until now, he has felt he is the only one with problems.

For me, the joy I am finding in life is a combination I think, of fate, maybe luck ?, reading lots of self help books and having encouragement from close friends and I have managed to slowly rise above and try to take evrything, good or bad, as a lesson from which I can learn and positively progress. It is not always easy but it seems to be working for me !

I think this is it…………. September 22, 2008

Each special life is one big amazing journey of discovery and I think I may have discovered something I have been searching for, and as you can imagine it feels great.
I have met a man who I think is pretty amazing and who I am certain thinks equally of me.

I have had many relationships, I had thought I had been in love for few of them, I have said the words ‘I love you’ to men many times before and I have truly, at times, thought that I have meant it.

But, I am aware now that I have never before experienced ‘true equal love’
True love, where it is recipricated, true love where both parties have decided to make a commitment to each other, to want to help each others personal growth, to go through the journey of life with each others love, comfort and support, and to have friendship and respect for each other, and each others views.

I came to realise this a while back, that I have never actually been ‘in love’, but I am not bitter about it. I truly believe I have had relationships of value, relationships that have lead me to become the person I have developed into. These relationships have helped propell me into the spiritually satisfied soul that I feel I am becoming. They’ve given me confidence and drive and I can’t regret anything from which I have gained so much knowledge, nor would I want to, life’s too short for dwelling or regrets….

I was single for a while and that was cool…. though i’m not the type to just mess around and I haven’t the confidence to flirt and I also knew what I was after from a man …. love !

I’m not interested in money, status or what anyone has to offer me materialy… I wanted someone to laugh with,someone I could chat to when I woke up in the morning, someone who I could be totally myself with, someone I felt comfortable with, someone who my beautiful daughter would like, someone who I could trust, someone who won’t want me just for sex, someone who wont want to take advantage of me in any way, someone who will understand me spiritually, someone sensitive and caring and bright…. someone who loves me..

Well here it is……………… I found it!!!!!! I found all that and more…

We haven’t exactly expressed it verbally to each other yet, but we both know. I loved him from the start, I have had a bit of time to get used to his ways and him mine, I have probably seen him at his worst and he has me and I still understand and respect him…

The reason for me that I havent expressed it yet, is because I have said it so many times before and it has meant nothing, that this time I want to be totally sure and I dont just want to say it because of the ‘heat of the moment’. I want to be able to look him straight in the eye and tell him, ‘ I am totally and utterly in love with you’ and I want him to say the same back to me.
Wow it turns me on just thinking about him, I love his company and what we have is pretty amazing, I know he will never do anything to hurt me and I know he will always be there for me, and I know it’s all equal !!! We get on great and I couldn’t be happier. I am a very lucky girl…………… wherever this journey takes me, I am enjoying the ride..

Male attention, my book and me! June 30, 2008

With regards to my love life, its trues to say I’ve been feeling down about not having a man who is special in my life .. It’s been a while now since I’ve had any man give me positive attention ….and thats what I have missed.
I was getting used to getting texts calling me beautiful, sexy etc wow! that was nice… I look forward to it happening again sometime, and I have no doubt it will. My attitude changes from day to day but is definately working its way up. Sometimes I feel sad and as though I am missing out somehow, yet sometimes, I am excited at not knowing whats round the corner, for my life entirely.

I have just finished reading my book, light up your life and its been just one of many enlightening books I’ve read of late.

Among the main messages I took from it was to have a positive outlook, thus bringing positive things your way. It states that if I truly visualise something, it will happen. It warns to only visualise and wish for what you really think you truly want, because it will happen… Wow again, what an exciting prospect.

What I have to work on then, is my ability to visualise.

I close my eyes and say the words in my head, but I don’t get any visuals! I have tried exercises like this before to discover my learning skill, and I am never able to visualise.. So I will work on this and then I will work on visualising my dreams. I know what they are, and they are achievable, so wish me luck on my continuous journey!

Oops ! June 27, 2008

I like to get my feelings off of my chest so I can move on from them, but maybe I should think for more than just a few days before getting them out there. I struggle with this, if something is on my mind and its negative it drives me mad until I can unload it, so thats what I do…..

Maybe in doing this I pass on those negative thoughts to someone else and though this helps me at the time, it probably doesn’t help those I pass it onto..

Can friendships withstand this strain?

Surely…..

But what about if the person you have unloaded this on, is the person who you feel negative about?

Scientifically, if they too are giong through a negative, this should make a positive!

Maybe they have had negative thoughts too already?

Either way, life will be fine i’ve no doubt, and I will learn whether or not I should keep my feelings in for longer.

Time will tell….. all will be well x

What can you do? you’ve just gotta get on with it…. June 22, 2008

Ok so some time has elapsed since my last blog and some things have certainly changed. My dear friend with whom I had become closer to both spiritually and sexually, is of course, still my dear friend but the sexual side has ceased! It had to really, I felt that I was beginning to lose respect for both him and I …

Sure, it was deep and special and enjoyable that remains undoubted, but I do want something more… I do not want marraige not yet anyway, a friend asked me just the other day if I thought I would ever remarry, I do, if I am lucky enough to find true love I would indeed like to celebrate this in some way, show the world that I have found true love and happiness. Don’t get me wrong I don’t ‘need’ this. I am happy and I continue to grow happier within myself. I think a small amount of time on my own will encourage that. But sure, if I find true love with someone who wanted to marry me I would certainly remarry.

I have no regrets. It was hard to let go of something that felt so good, here was someone who I had always got on famously with, someone who I had no fears of, someone who understood me and who I could pretty much be my total self with. Yet deep down I felt I deserved more… more than someone who I felt had gone off of me in some way, someone who got frightened and who had set himself boundaries and who clearly wanted the best of both worlds. I think he wanted a regular stop over with the added bonuses, but he wanted to remain free to divulge in sexual relationships elsewhere….maybe I felt the same. It was more than ok for a while, but eventually it had to stop and right now we’re at the cooling period.

It is right for me that it has come to an end as it were…. I do feel like it was a pleasant enough ending, though I feel a bit sad that at the moment I feel I have lost a little respect for him and at this point in time I do not think as much of him as I did before all this started, I have been going over it a lot lately and I have been thinking that maybe when he was chasing after me and I was telling him not to because of the risk to our very close friendship, he should have pointed out that he just wanted a bed buddy and did not want love, commitment or exclusitivity, or indeed a girlfriend of any kind, maybe he should have said that he would have sex with others given the chance, but he didn’t, not until the day after I had fallen for it all. I have been feeling angry about this because now im feeling like the closeness we had, has had a negative affect on our friendship, In time I’m sure it will return to its former glory but for now I feel let down and that we could have handled it better from the start. Ive been blaming him in my mind, for telling me the morning after.. Though I had carried on regardless. Truth is, I did feel very hurt that morning. I didn’t like the rejection, no one had ever said that the day after the night before! I appreciated his honesty but had not been expecting that as soon as it had started!!… maybe I would not have done anything sexual had I of known and we would still have a fabulous friendship..????

That aside, I feel strong enough to be alone and I feel strong enough to gradually overcome any negative feelings and appreciate the depth and importance of our loving friendship . We have seen each other once since, but it was pretty weird … I wasn’t sure why I felt down about it, we didnt talk about ‘us’, it was as though it had never happened.. at least on the surface, I think this was what kick started my negative thinking about the whole situation, our sexual goings ons had certainly ceased as had the closeness and that was hard to take.. We remained plutonic and it was fine but it certainly has not returned to how it once was, a truly loving and very trusting friendship. Hopefully time will heal and all will be great again…

At least now I no longer feel scared that I will be left on the shelf, there are plenty of people out there who will be interested in me and I look forward to the time when I meet someone new and have fun and excitement with them. I am in no desperate rush, it will happen when its meant to, in the meantime I am really enjoying my life and I am more than happy to wait until I find someone truly loving and caring and who I fancy the pants off!!!!

New journeys……………, ooh how exciting!!!

Still learning about love…. still, no rush! April 20, 2008

I wrote in one of my first blogs that I thought love took no effort… now I believe love takes a great deal of effort, but the effort is undoubtedly worth it! Though I have not been truly in love yet, I think I have learn’t a bit more about how love should make you feel, I feel I have a slightly greater insight.

I am experiencing the strengthening of a very trusting relationship, between myself and someone whom I have loved for years on a deep level, but not on a sexual level, until of late…

We have both felt deep hurt from previous relationships and life experiences and have both comforted, supported, trusted and valued each other through some of this. Except, it’s beginning to scare me, I do not know where its going now, is it going out of control? Is it going nowhere?

We had an understanding initially, that we were free and in a non committed relationship, this understanding became fact on occasion. But rather than, as I had expected, this become the end of the relationship as it were, the relationship actually strengthened. I understand totally why this guy felt the need to prove that unconventional and non committed was most definately how this relationship stood..

On a number of occasions I had rejected him initially.. making it clear that I didn’t want to risk the friendship, then I had dived in head first and wanted more than he could give, frightened him off with my ‘neediness’ and his ‘fear of being trapped in a committed relationship’.

Again, we worked through this and the relationship appeared to deepen. I soon came to realise that I needed to become stronger in myself, to know myself inside a little better, bring back the ‘real’ me after so many years in a draining relationship. Where I had conformed to being a supportive wife, who was only in the marraige for the love of my child and not for myself, thus becoming a shadow of my former self, something which had for me ,become an habitual part of any serious relationship I’d encountered.

Now was my chance to suit myself… see exactly what I wanted out of life, and yeah, life for me on the whole is great nowadays, I have a tough but rewarding job, the best daughter I could ever wish for, some fantastic friends who support and understand me in everything I do.

I have still been seeing my dear friend and when he is here, I get more than enough from it, I don’t need or want no hand in marraige, what we experience when we’re in each others company is magical, I really haven’t felt that way before, or been to a place so far away from what material stuff there is on the outside… It’s like I am deep within, deep within me and deep within him. It’s beautiful and I know he feels it too.

Each time we meet we seem to reach a deeper place, last time he came he was only coming for a night, he stayed for 3 days and it was great.

It was just so beautiful…

So here’s where I probably start to screw it all up…..

When he is with me it could not be more perfect, yet when he is not with me and is far away, sometimes, it’s just not quite enough for me. I feel because of what happened between the 2 of us before, that when I get in touch, Im being a pain, being too ‘needy’, yet I do like to keep in touch, I want to know how he is, I want to tell him how I am. Also he has been adamant all along that he doesnt really want a ‘girlfriend’, a committed relationship. He wants, and has carried on with others in order to prove this..Sometimes I feel fine about this, that’s cool, I can handle it, I can do the same thing… Other times I feel like an idiot, give him the best of both worlds, what a perfect arrangment for him, I must be a complete mug. Am I desparate enough to want to share someone ? Let him sleep with someone else one week and me the next, does this mean I have no self respect? Yet, he does say at times that he does want more, he wants to be a family man, but I’m not certain he means from me, maybe they’re the words of a ‘player’ ?  maybe we’re not right for each other, and that is what is stopping us from committing …I mean, we have been mates for years and the thought of being ‘together has never crossed either of our minds, we have very different lifestyles, yet right now, I think we’re both in the middle, he’s not quite as ‘pure and godly’ as he’d like to be and I’m not as ‘rock n roll’ as people think I am either.. but maybe thats where our paths are leading us, which inevitably, results in our paths becoming further apart from each others…. other interests are perfectly acceptable, in fact these days, I think they’re probably necessary, at least I’m hoping I won’t let myself become a shadow again by allowing myself to mould into the perfect partner but in becoming this, not being true to myself. Maybe these differences in our lifestyles is part of what is stopping us from deciding that we do want this to be true love.. because it has got the potential to be. But as I say the problem is sometimes I do feel I want more, I want to be able to call him up or text and tell him if I’ve had a terrible day for example, or more importantly not feel like a nuisance if I do make contact. So then, what happens when someone else shows an interest in me, someone who is keen to make me feel wanted?…. Unlike him, I don’t think I’m the type to be able to keep 2 going. He didn’t mind in the least, in fact he seemed pleased, when I told him I had kissed another guy.. what does that tell you? N where does this leave him and I?  What about the man I meet? It would take some man to accept that he is now just my best man mate again…and I will never want to stop being his friend. I guess I have taken that risk already, but if he can truly never see me and him becoming anything more, maybe it should end soon, so I don’t have to feel that, should I find someone who wants to give me more, I have to be sneaky from the start. It’s just not my style..I feel a little confused about it at the moment.

Sometimes I find myself in a position where I am forcing myself to not fall in love, so to speak…why? because he does not want a girlfriend, he wants to ’spread the love’ and I will not allow myself to imagine that anything without commitment can possibly be ‘love’. Equally I do not want to make him feel he has to either commit to me or lose me, I do not want to force anyone into anything.. So my feelings remain unspoken and my questions remain unanswered.

People ask, Do you have a boyfriend? Well no, I have a dear friend who wants sex with me and other people… how long can this go on and be enjoyable?

It’s real hard to give up something that feels so good…

Why does it feel so good? Is it just that we trust each other so much and have deep love on a friendship level, there already?

What does it mean that I miss him and it hurts when he goes home ? because its like im returning to having nothing with him ? Or just nothing with anyone ? Why is it that I think about him everyday and look forward so much to seeing him next ? Does he feel the same?

According to a book Im almost finished, this what we both ‘feel’ is not love, love is not a feeling, it’s a decision to be committed to the evolution of yours or/and anothers spiritual growth!

Okay so thats the opposite to what he wants really isn’t it… he doesn’t want commitment, therefore he doesn’t want this to be ‘love’. What we do have is more than just sex, but it isn’t love and ideally love is what im searching for….well I think everyone deserves to experience it at some point in their life..

I don’t need it immediately, these ‘goings ons’ have certainly taken the edge the off of the urgency to feel loved. But ultimately, I want to know what love is one day. I want to grow with someone, together internally. I want understanding, trust, commitment, friendship, and equally as important, I want to feel comfortable and at ease ….and I want it all to be recipricated!

I’ve been able to cope with the ups and downs of this relationship so far and I will not let the doubts I’m having today keep me down for long, I’m not sure why I have started to look on it more negatively, maybe its my good old coping mechanism called denial! Maybe it just simply isn’t right. When he told me he didn’t want to settle with one person, be commited, I told him if you met the right person you would… surely thats what everyone wants… true love???!!!

I don’t know where this particular road is leading me but I am placing trust in the fact that I believe I am being looked after and guided in the right direction.. I feel in the last year, that I am finally getting the break I deserve, I am finding more peace within me that I ever knew could of existed. This is giving me strength to get through whatever life throws at me, and if this relationship is not mean’t to be that’s fine I will move on and continue my journey of life and maybe I will find true love, I have a lot to give and feel I deserve someone good this time round, someone who truly loves me and is thoughtful and kind, someone who don’t want to mess with my mind.

I have no regrets, I have learn’t a lot and I still have so much to learn…

 

 

 

my journey to within .. Jan 2008, where it began March 4, 2008

Written In Jan 2008

The start of my journey of self help and discovery

So heres where my journey begins…. It’s a Monday and I’m off work …I’ve been doing some reading, I’ve been doing a lot of that lately actually…..I’ve been trying to help myself, well lets face it, I’ve been a bit mixed up in the head since for as long as I can remember, and though I’ve thought about it a lot and dealt with it the best way I can, with a little help from these books, and I guess, feeling very mentally stable right now, I have decided to write my feelings as they happen, when it comes… to help myself get my head competely around my life (well as much as it needs to be anyway) The first self help book I ever read was Allen Carrs, easyway to stop smoking..I couldn’t believe that reading a book altered my mind and helped me to stop smoking …

Turning my life around… the beginning of a new me Since that first book so much has happened in my life to turn it around for the better, I cannot give wonderful Allen Carr the credit for anything more than the smoking, though my life started to turn around at this time! As well as this I finally, with the offer of work, had enough courage to leave an unhappy marriage. I had a child with this man… who isn’t all bad at all, but we absolutely brought the worst out in each other, different spirits, non compatible in every way.. We have different beliefs and morals in life and thats fine, im not saying my way is the right way, my way is just very different from his….

Thankfully after breaking his heart he has finally realised that this was absolutely the right thing to do..He has since found love and now knows what love is and I am truly happy for him .. everyone deserves to find someone to love and who loves them back equally…

I have moved into a place near 2 of my very best girlfriends.. again people who I believe I was absolutely meant to meet and this was through just saying to the right person at that right time something which lead us to get introduced

Back to the relationship.. in the beginning he and I had a good time, we were doing exciting things , going to see live music all the time, something which I had a real passion for.. we would get pretty mashed up and all was fine … chugging along nicely

Along came responsibility…

Then I got pregnant, initially I felt anxious and scared about this. The prospect of such responsibilty, truly believeing then that I would find it hard to cope, I could barely look after myself let alone a baby. I didnt even truly take in what was happening to me .. I actually still smoked a little, which I am now truly ashamed of.. if I had realised just how special and how much love I have for my child I would never have let another ciggy pass my lips… thankfully my child is perfect and though she suffered from chest infections, which I probably rightly so,blamed myself for for years, she is thank god, ok and in good health..

It turned out that she was indeed without doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me.. I adore her and the responsibilty is a pleasure and not difficult to cope with at all… I believe my daughter was a gift, maybe a saviour for me.. had she not come along maybe I would have gone the way her dad did for a while and become addicted to a rubbish drug which slowly took control, and its toll, on his life and his relationships, not only with me but with his friends and family. Don’t get me wrong he has since pretty much got over the worst of this, certainly I don’t think he takes it everyday… I hope he still has a control over it as its a bad drug.

A blessing…

So there she was, my darling, who made my life so very blessed with love .. we are so close and I hope and will do my very best to keep us this close,

I am not a perfect parent …who is? I have vices, I like to go out n drink with my mates, I gig a lot leaving her with my mum (tho she loves this) If I am totally honest, I have also in the past taken out my tension on her a bit, snapped at her.. or just not been as approachable as I could have been, though I do explain afterwards why I had reacted this way and apologise if I am wrong. I try my hardest to encourage her to look at life positively and to work through her feelings and overcome any difficulties that she faces by staying in control of her mind..

Thanks to me n her dad she has seen n heard some awful things between the two of us. Two incompatible souls who were truly stuck in a very unhappy rutt, I hope this hasn’t affected her long term…neither of us would purposely wanna hurt her in anyway emotionally or mentally…

I’m so thankful that my mum has been around to be a good solid shoulder for her.. this is something that my daughter and I will always be grateful for, she has gone through the most stressful year of her young life in 2007 and she has come out on top and happy I believe .. she is told all the time how much she is truly loved and I am sure she knows it too… and if u have love you have everything…

That saying, If u have love you have everything, is so true and has been brought to my attention just today, today being a day when I feel I have truly realised what life is about.. I think its mapped out for you

I have written so much about my feelings and what has happened in my insignificant life.. I have so much more to share so I will write again and explain why I do believe life is mapped out, I will touch on my unhappy marriage and I will touch slightly on growing up and what went on and I will touch on the happiness I am finding within me, now that I am giving myself some time and more importantly, some slack….!